"opportunities given"....

after i graduated college i decided to move and pursue music with all my heart and if that meant i had to struggle then i was "prepared" for that...i didn't think that it would be as hard as it was when i got to my destination to pursue a masters in music...it seemed like everything and everyone was going wrong around me... nothing seemed to work out...i wasn't prepared for what was happening..my professor made my life a living hell for me just to put it lightly...if i breathed wrong she had awful things to say to me ...and then would tell me things like, "i don't care you are struggling,u chose to go to grad school." and it was true i DID choose but the cold heart she displayed day after day to me and some others was so horrible and i didn't want that...it hurt me when i knew i had tried and tried...but i got it quickly that i need to understand to not take it personal...let her issue be her issue and keep it movin!!..i knew that i had to "stick in there" and push with everything in me towards my goal...and i did!! =)

through these horrid times i reached out (subconsciously/consciously) to ones that i thought could help me through advice and let me know that the different dissappointments i felt would all fade away at some point and soon things would let up off my back....i mean there was a point i didn't know how i was going to have the basic neccessities of life to live on ....and it seemed no one was there...well at least that is how it felt....i so wanted things to be better...but it was in those times i learned who i really was and how i reacted to certain things....these were opportunities to grow or to be stagnant or even live in offense...it was in those times i learned how to survive with joy in my life despite what was going on...i learned how to be grateful for what i had in those times and not focus on what looked all wrong...i learned and still learning to change any negative feeling i have in situations to a good feeling so that i can have good energy to attract good in my life...its hard but doable...if i would have let those moments (opportunities) pass i would have not been the person i am today...and this is what is so fascinating!!

to know that we all have the capacity to open our minds and learn the things that will basically "make us" either a internally better person or a person who reacts to things in a negative or victim manatlity way is amazing to me when i think about it....because it shows us how powerful we really are...and it shows us that WE are responsible for all of our emotions and frame of mind no matter what has been done to us...no matter what "end of the stick" one has been dished out in life or thought was dished out to them in life... we have to remember this...and sometimes it is hard to especially when some circumstances and even some people can be soo cruel or heartless but one thing my parents would say to me is, "YOU are responsible for how u react and for your emotions." this can hit hard but let me tell u...i had to to take heed and i am still a work in progress because it is soooo true....we as people have more power and strength then i think we give ourselves credit for!!

everything we go through or are faced with in life is an opportunity (whether good or bad or all that gray in between) to grow internally from...personal growth is a choice...its a daily action...one should never never wait till after the situation but one should get what they should get from that opportunity (circumstance) at that moment when it is fresh...don't get me wrong it is never too late to learn or be a better person from any situation...but what is scarey is when u are aware of a current situation and one doesn't take the intiative to learn from that situation or as i call it, "the opportunity.." or whats scarey is when u let that opportunity pass because of ones own hangups and then consequently one never gets what they should have gotten from it...
i want to be a growing organism all the days of my life..learning...loving...growing and growing...it is hard but i have a desire to make sure i try everyday and this is something i work on everyday...i think it can enhance so much in a great amount of time...so lets learn from all our "opportunities" of growth that are in our life in the present and what will come to us in the future...this can be life's challenge.... =)

Personal Growth

You know i have been raised to put personal growth first in everything i do...although they are not perfect my parents demonstrated to their best ability with me and my siblings in how they lived life and in how they handled people... they talked to me and my other siblings about life, relationships,ones heart and mind and how we had to grow everyday at every chance...that it wasn't about the experience itself but it was about the growth u applied to your life in/from those experiences...I have seen my dads siblings lie and betray and be prideful that they'd never say "im sorry" or it seemed they would have a stubborn refusal to acknowledge their wrong in a situation and yet smile in each others faces as if they never said anything about their own sibling...I have seen my mothers siblings literally judge each other and everyone else even though they themselves were not exactly "right" if u know what i mean...lol

yet some of them are "good" people but it would seem they have slipped up along the way or they truly believe they are right...but what's crazy is, "should your need to be right really trump your personal growth and personal awareness with your relationship with others??"

i mean is it worth loosing someone in your life just because you don't know how to say your sorry for the damage one has caused ...or better yet why can't a person just acknowledge or validate the hurt persons feelings?? you know im really working everyday and have been for some years now on being understanding with others but with this topic i just don't understand how one can let go of a person...a internally great person just because one doesn't want to say "im sorry" for what THEY have done??!! that is just craziness.... ive learned and im still learning that we as people are all searching for someone in some way, subconsciously maybe,to fulfill a need of some sort..and i am not talking about being a needy person cause that is a whole other topic but im talking about some of us are looking for people that give what we give in a relationship and more....we all need people in our lives and if someone tells u that they don't then that person is a fool..God has created us for relationship and im not trying to be religious but it IS true...think about it...

everything is a relationship we involve ourselves in..no matter how deep or how surfacey...whether in the office..marriage...friendships...associates...socialcircles/groups....sibling...parent relationships....all kinds and yet i have seen like i stated before, people let people go from their lives because of an issue they may have or may have caused or maybe wanted to save face or what seems like pride from the outside...but what i have learned and still learning is that what seems like pride or stubbornness is really people choosing not to grow within themselves and be personally aware of the things they say and do to one another which has a lot of consequences...we have seen it on the job where u have a person who may not have any control at home or have been hurt and vowed they never let anyone take advantage of them so they strut and try tell everyone what to do in the office in a micromanaging way or in a power tripping way....one has to wonder what happened in their lives that they feel a need to be everyones boss when they have actually no power at the job....i have two people that i work with, not for, who does this and its quite sad....

the number one consequence i think from no personal growth is an UNAWARENESS of oneself...i think what happens is people who are unaware they say and do things toward people without thinking and it happens more times than none and then these people are hurt and yet the one that is unaware moves on and it seems like they don't care but it may not be that at all...i think its because they have not chosen to grow personally with a self awareness..or maybe they have settled in their minds that they messed up and now lets move on but because some people are not like that it is important i think to validate others feelings even if u don't agree and go from there because what is important is making sure that the other person knows u care enough to lay aside what u feel and let them know they u didn't mean to hurt them....again relationships are very important...

when u literally take the time to take a deep look at yourself then i believe you become aware of everything u say and u do this more times than not especially when u have a heart for people and it isn't about perfection...God doesn't require us to be perfect but he requires us to "love" right??...this is what we have heard somewhere in someplace...to me i think to love is to be AWARE of what u say and do because u have a clear understanding that you need good productive people in your life...it means that u have a clear understanding that what you say and do affects others and because u care about them it is important to you to keep that productive relationship..and as you do that the more wisdom, knowledge,understanding and sensitivity to others heart i think u start to become...

what scares me is when you run across good people and when something happens...like a disagreement or a hurt u encounter (cause this will happen as long as u are in any relationship) yet when it comes to mending the situation to be frank, (personal growth and self awareness) they are just not there and not because they are bad people because they are still cool it just seems people are not deeming personal growth and self awareness as "important" but what they want as important.. and this is what scares me about this society...this way of thinking is not ok and it will cause one to be completely alone and with many empty relationships with others...

all i know is that one must decide to personally grow...figuring out what things within u they are not good and consciously making a decision to be aware of that and to change it for the better...this is not easy but its needed especially if u look at all your relationships (friends, mate whatever) and it they have all failed then that is something that one MUST look into...

these are just thoughts i had for past couple days because of some conversations i have had with my parents and friends so i thought i'd write about it.....
Adorée =)